Ok since I can't keep up with the day to day of posting here are my thoughts for the week that I have taken down as notes.......
The weekend is here......YES!!
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Nov. 28
There is something about the male form that is so sexy and yet so mysterious at the same time. Though they are the warriors and fighters there is something sensual about them. Unlike women who are wrapped in vulnerability and sensitivity from the moment they enter the world, men are always seen as tough individuals the strong walls built to protect us. However, there is still a sensual quiet part of them that women can pinpoint and embrace. I find myself fantasizing about different men in my life. Some I am attracted to instantly and others the curiosity is so high of what it would be like that you just have to know. I have noticed that though I do have several of these men in mind I am at a loss for a spark of feeling. Of course sexual feeling is there but still you wonder is that the only thing or can you be sparked by a look, a light brush or a kind word? I don't really wonder how I will met the next man but more of when and to what degree the felling will take me too.
I find myself being attracted to the very type I try to get away from. Tall which is always a trait I am looking for, light in complexion (which I guess would be subconsciously linked to my father), and as far as anything else like education and job; I need the best. To me anyone will not do, I strive for the best and I won't settle until I get it. I guess that could be selfish but that is me. That is something that not only happens with men but my career and owning material things.
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Nov. 29
How is it that you can go from being one way one day to being another way the next? I guess that's one of life's big mysteries. I never understood why I fell into depression but then I could also ask why does my brother have ADHD and I don't....hmm just a thought
Well the Christmas party is two weeks away which means that Christmas is 3 weeks away..........
I came to the realization today as my money situation was thrust into my face once again that it may be along time before I have kids.....not saying that there is anything wrong with me but I need to be stable in my life before I am given the task of caring for someone else. I fantasize about having a husband and being married with kids but those fantasies have little to do with reality..but then again what fantasy does.
This morning I prayed like the day before except I couldn't help but almost beg god to put me in direct contact with someone who is not a scam artist who will genuinely help me succeed! I need to have more faith and courage to know that I can make it and not wait for it to come to me. I think that is what I keep missing and GOD is just waiting for me.....he waiting for me to stop spending money frivolously, he waiting for me to get out there and train with my skills. He waiting for me to jump so I can soar not fall...I need to go back to church I need to live my best life now!
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Nov. 30
I look forward to mondays and wednesdays for step practice. Its an opportunity for me to hang out with sorors and get out of the apartment and be around other people for awhile. Well today was payday and even before I got to work I had made an $80 purchase, I have a problem and I don't think its necessarily shopping I think I do it to make myself feel better but its only short lived because I ever wind up feeling the same or worse when I don't have enough money left over at the end of the month. Its a vicious cycle that I need to get out of. I like cash much better.....if only I could keep it in my wallet more often......
I need to work on this whole clearing my mind thing and relax the last thing I need to do is have a heart attach at 23!!!
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Dec. 1
Finally made it to december...well not finally the year went by pretty fast. I can't believe it my first year in new york is already over almost. It has definitely been an adjustment but a fun time too. I have grown as a person and gotten to know myself a little better. I have realized that even with the big dreams and not wanting to be average goal doesn't mean it all has to or will start tomorrow. I have found that I stress over things I can't change or have no control over and breeze through the complicated world and tasks at other times. There have been highs and lows, laughs and tears, but I am glad I went through it.
I am beginning to feel a weight being lifted from my life as the year comes to an end, mainly because I know I will be moving on to another job and just because the holidays are here. It has always been my favorite time of year.
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Dec. 2
Thank the Lord its friday. This has been a long week at work with so many things that need to be done for the holidays and catering to the big babies that work there. I want to go to sleep but I also want to go out, for the next two days I'm free....well not really but some leisure time is coming.....
Do you ever find yourself in a conversation with someone and you realize you have nothing to talk about with this person. Its funny at one time you had so many things to say to each other and now you feel forced when you say hello and ask a general question. I guess that's apart of evolving into a new person, you change and people just aren't on the same plane as you anymore.... Its sometimes sad because you look up and think "I haven't talked to so and so in a long time" and when you reach out to them there is no answer and even though the number is correct it feels like you have connected with a totally different person. It was once said that you will only wind up with maybe 2 true friends in your life, while the rest are just people you once knew.....makes you think who will be next to not know you anymore.
In the grand scheme of things life is hard but I'm a soilder and I'm steppin on.
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